Christmas countdown

Well here we go. Final count down to Christmas. Yes i'm still the procrasti-santa..I have not even started shopping. I have been waiting on the ex to give me some $$ so I can go do it all in one shot. I will get it done. I always do.

Updates on me.. the bf and I are back together. I waited a bit, held back, and he opened up to me. Explained where his feelings came from and what prompted his actions. And its been awesome since. Yes I worry about him hurting me. But i'm going to not think about that. I am head over feet for him and I cant help it. Ill enjoy being happy.

Work is ridiculous. I cant seem to juggle work, life, and child. I feel i'm failing miserably but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm going to keep plugging away until I find a even ground to stand on.

I really want to enjoy the holiday season and enjoy my family and friends. They are what has gotten me through all of the rough days. Love them all so much.

one step forward... fall down.. crawl..

I feel like I'm in a blender. On the pulse setting. I start to feel ok and someone comes and presses the button again. Swirling, swirling, swirling. The BF and I are in a mess. Still seeing each other and avoiding the elephant in the room. We need to talk. Severe need of conversation.

I'm trying to pull myself together. Try to keep my head up, focus on my son and my work but the second life stops, my mind reverts back to him. There are so many things I like about him. And I feel so silly for falling. But I just enjoy spending time with him. Don't want it to end. Want to know more, learn more about him. ugh.. Ok this post isn't helping me :(

Updates..

Well now.. Been off for a bit. Emotions boiled over into ridiculous meltdown starting with the BF dumping me on my ass. Apparently in a drunken moment I made a comment about marriage. I gave him the fear of all that is crazy and made him flip. This is what he was giving me the cold shoulder for. Instead of talking to me, he let me go. :( Uber :( here.

He was thinking I was rushing into marriage after 4 months of dating when I am content with just being happy and enjoying life with him. We both have had previous bad marriages, kids, and no want to do it again. But he never asked. :(

Insert downward spiral here....4 days of no eating,no work, sleeping for hours broken by fits of sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently I adore this man and I am so frustrated that it all could have been fixed if he had talked to me. I guess we live and learn. I hope he misses me like hell. So felt like a great match. I still feel broken.

I have to get back to life tomorrow. Everyone on the planet has been trying to cheer me up. Friends, family, kids, everyone. I have the best support staff on the planet.

I will get through this. But I will hold on to a small bit of hope that he will miss me and change his mind. I still have that feeling that it is supposed to happen. Miss him.

Overly emotional the last week. Hate being so unsure of myself and my feelings. Cant figure out if I am coming or going. Got a new tat, hung out with the BF and have not been sleeping. A crash is in order soon. I feel it coming. Blah!

Opened my heart up to a boy and got the silent treatment. I guess ill take the pain over not feeling a thing right? Just means im alive and living. Who knows. I like him. Stick it boy! TAKE A BITE OF MY HEART!!

Feel it in the air

Today is Halloween. Not really a big deal. Just another day, but yet its the doorstep into November, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I am very excited for the holidays, but I am also already getting overly emotional that I'm not the "family" I wanted to be. I have my family surrounding me, but I don't have my "own" family. This may not make sense to anyone but me.

I want the loving partner, in a house with our own tree, and cookies baking in the oven. The kids running and yelling, snow ball fights, hot chocolate and nights by the fire. I want the smell of cinnamon and apples and wood and smoke and the warmth of it all to wrap around me.

I know one day I will have this picture perfect story. Or a resemblance of it. But for now I wait. I will continue to put my faith in god that he has an ultimate plan for me and im hoping that im on the right path. The last few months have been very positive. I just have to continue to look forward.

Brighter days..

So things have been quiet lately. Days have been going fast. No one has been sick or injured (aside from the PC). The ex has been civil, and I guess I'm pretty OK with life at the moment.

Kane spent a full day with his dad on Saturday. I figure my calm reasoning was that it was the middle of the day, he cant possible be drunk right??!! He looked fine when he came to get him and returned him home fed and in one piece. I spent the day with mom and found it very relaxing for once.

This could be a very good thing for Kane as long as his dad continues to be civil and not a drunk. Kane needs his dad in his life as much as I'd like him to disappear.

Learning

So I made it through my sons first "off site" visit with his father. Let me tell you that I managed to work myself up to just about vomit status all day waiting for the moment that I watched that truck leave the driveway. I can only put my faith in god to keep him safe when he is not with me. That his father may have an epiphany and put the beer down for once and think of his child first.

I have to get over this. I have to find a way to be OK with it. I would like to think that maybe my ex will change his ways. I would also like to think that i am not that naive. It is part of growing I guess.

Progress

Since last year during the middle of the school season when we were diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers, we have been in therapy. (we being me and Kane) Kane has had two wonderful but very different therapists. One who has had me learning to live with Kane's quirkiness and read endless volumes of books. And one who has said, do this, it will fix this, then we do this, then this.. and has been very on the ball with changing or redirecting bad habits. Believe me we both had bad habits.
We also have been medicated. Kane has been on Concerta for over a year now and aside from the appetite issues the medication does a great job of keeping him at an even level daily.

After a year of this, the end of Kindergarten, a long summer we have come to the First grade. I was afraid of starting school. I met with the therapists. Had long talks preparing Kane. Had meetings with the new kids in his room and we met his teacher. I did what i could, to prepare him as much as possible and to calm my nerves.

School started with him coming down with pneumonia and missing the first full week of school! What a sad boy who was so excited to get on the bus and go to see his new friends and here he was unable to even go. When he did get to go back to school he was elated. And much to my surprise he has not had a single bad day since.
We just had our last app with the therapist and he said that unless we have an issue he does not need to see us back in his office!!! Kane is still a work in progress but every day is a new one and we have been overcoming our challenges as we go.

I need to keep faith.

Frustrated

So the ex came over last week and was in a pissy mood. Started an argument and I had to kick him out. I should have noticed the signs that he had most likely been drinking. I know better. But also quite frankly I'm tired of living on eggshells when he is around. It's my life now, not his.

Anyway he wanted to take Kane to the mall at some point and I said I would drop Kane off at the mall but that he was not going to drive him. I do not trust him to have not been drinking. This prompted him to tell me that he is going to take me to court. I told him to go ahead. Thinking the whole time that ill just turn him in for not paying child support. So frustrating.

I wish he would just go away. I have been in a great mood. Having him in my head is making me cranky!

Down with the sickness

So the Bean came down with pneumonia.. after battling a virus for a week he got worse and ended up with fluid in his lungs. Poor baby. Missed first week of school and was out of sports for a bit as well. As the sickness goes, I too came down with something and ended up in urgent care for nebulizer treatments as I had found it difficult to breathe. Awesome Brochitis. WEEEEE!! Mom and Dad are now sick.. :(

I got to go see a Yankee game!!! So happy and what an awesome feeling to be in that stadium. I was just in awe and amazed with the entire place. They lost and had a 2 hour rain delay but I didnt care.

Just planned a weekend trip with the boyfriend. Headed up North to Lake Placid. It is hard to get time to ourselves so we have to plan it. It is a beautiful resort on Mirror lake and im excited to just relax and spend quality time together.

Updates

I always want to post..then dont find the time. Or I dont feel i have anything important to post. Anywho, im bored so here goes. Updates since last post. I got my tat. Its my sons name on my inside wrist. Ill post a pic if I can figure it out.

Im dating. For real. A local guy I went to high school with. He makes me happy. And its a happy feeling different from happy feelings ive felt before. I spend time with him only to crave more time with him. Its like a never ending battle but i love it. Its a learning process too. He has twin boys and joint custody. I have my son full time. We are not mixing families or anything so we have to find time with out kids to see each other. It doesnt ever seem like enough time, but its what we have to work with. I like him a lot. He is the reason ive been wearing a smile since July.

I got a promotion at work. No pay increase but title change. Im going to study to take my 7 and 66. Then I can be a licensed trader and ill be up for a $$ increase.

The kiddo started 1st grade and seems to be doing well. The ex is non existant and that is good too.

My funny quote ill leave you with was between my ex and the kiddo:

EX: I cant see you right now because you are sick.

Kiddo: thats ok daddy, can you just send me my video game!

the kid only wants the game.. not the time with his dad! LOL

Single

I am a mess. I have realized I do not like dating. At all. But yet I hate being single. I so desperately want a man in my life but dont know what type of man I want. Im trying to date. It is all a big fail.

My poor choice in men is killing me. I suck at this.

Fathers Day

Today is a bit too frustrating already. Kane is pacing the house already knowing that, aside from a miracle his dad is not going to show. I got a voicemail from the doucheface last night and it didn't sound promising. I'm so frustrated. We are downplaying fathers day in the house and not talking about it at all. Unfortunately school does a great job at reminding kids to shower their "active" parents with gifts. Thank you school :( !

"I'm not making a gift for dad cus he wont come anyway" GAHH!!!!

You stupid doucheface..how can you not want to spend every waking moment with this curious, funny, quirky, loving, fantastic, awesome boy??????

Tats..ready

I have made a decision on my tattoo. I have always wanted one. Just afraid of taking the next step. Simple and small. Well I have decided on two things. My sons name, and Faith. The two things that mean the most to me. My son will always be first. He is my true love. So on my inside wrist he will go. In a scroll to the other side will be Faith. As a reminder to never lose it....

hear that beat..douche dead beat...

Nothing like a looming fathers day to set off a cranky hot mess. My poor baby has realized that he does not see his dad like the other kids do. The only job I cant be for him. A father. GRRRR! The last week or two he has been off. Kids have been working on projects for their dads for fathers day. The teacher being smart as she is, knows Kane has a dead beat so she replaces Grandpa for the missing dad. Kane insists he is not doing anything because "dad wont show up anyway". OMG my heart dropped to the floor.

He has been acting out for attention. I decided to take a vacation during this time and missed the brunt of it!! (sorry mom). I have since returned and am trying my best to lay down the law - no tantrums or screaming or yelling, while showering him with love. Very hard to do when he insists I'm a horrible bad mean mom. I am trying. I am trying so hard.

Lets go

My son has Aspergers. I need to not look at that word as "holy shit, oh my god, im dying". For starters it is not a terminal illness. It is pervasive social disorder. He will not die from it. Second, its not all that bad. Its a learning process. We are learning about ourselves and each other as the days go buy.

We have our good days. And boy are they good. Happy smiles, belly laughs, cuddles, giggles and such.

Then the bad days.. like taking an airbag to the face. Screaming fits, arguments, tears, throwing, yelling, pushing, fighting...ugh..

We are figuring out meds, therapy, and school. Somedays I want to throw in the towel.