one step forward... fall down.. crawl..

I feel like I'm in a blender. On the pulse setting. I start to feel ok and someone comes and presses the button again. Swirling, swirling, swirling. The BF and I are in a mess. Still seeing each other and avoiding the elephant in the room. We need to talk. Severe need of conversation.

I'm trying to pull myself together. Try to keep my head up, focus on my son and my work but the second life stops, my mind reverts back to him. There are so many things I like about him. And I feel so silly for falling. But I just enjoy spending time with him. Don't want it to end. Want to know more, learn more about him. ugh.. Ok this post isn't helping me :(

Updates..

Well now.. Been off for a bit. Emotions boiled over into ridiculous meltdown starting with the BF dumping me on my ass. Apparently in a drunken moment I made a comment about marriage. I gave him the fear of all that is crazy and made him flip. This is what he was giving me the cold shoulder for. Instead of talking to me, he let me go. :( Uber :( here.

He was thinking I was rushing into marriage after 4 months of dating when I am content with just being happy and enjoying life with him. We both have had previous bad marriages, kids, and no want to do it again. But he never asked. :(

Insert downward spiral here....4 days of no eating,no work, sleeping for hours broken by fits of sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently I adore this man and I am so frustrated that it all could have been fixed if he had talked to me. I guess we live and learn. I hope he misses me like hell. So felt like a great match. I still feel broken.

I have to get back to life tomorrow. Everyone on the planet has been trying to cheer me up. Friends, family, kids, everyone. I have the best support staff on the planet.

I will get through this. But I will hold on to a small bit of hope that he will miss me and change his mind. I still have that feeling that it is supposed to happen. Miss him.

Overly emotional the last week. Hate being so unsure of myself and my feelings. Cant figure out if I am coming or going. Got a new tat, hung out with the BF and have not been sleeping. A crash is in order soon. I feel it coming. Blah!

Opened my heart up to a boy and got the silent treatment. I guess ill take the pain over not feeling a thing right? Just means im alive and living. Who knows. I like him. Stick it boy! TAKE A BITE OF MY HEART!!