Feel it in the air

Today is Halloween. Not really a big deal. Just another day, but yet its the doorstep into November, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I am very excited for the holidays, but I am also already getting overly emotional that I'm not the "family" I wanted to be. I have my family surrounding me, but I don't have my "own" family. This may not make sense to anyone but me.

I want the loving partner, in a house with our own tree, and cookies baking in the oven. The kids running and yelling, snow ball fights, hot chocolate and nights by the fire. I want the smell of cinnamon and apples and wood and smoke and the warmth of it all to wrap around me.

I know one day I will have this picture perfect story. Or a resemblance of it. But for now I wait. I will continue to put my faith in god that he has an ultimate plan for me and im hoping that im on the right path. The last few months have been very positive. I just have to continue to look forward.

Brighter days..

So things have been quiet lately. Days have been going fast. No one has been sick or injured (aside from the PC). The ex has been civil, and I guess I'm pretty OK with life at the moment.

Kane spent a full day with his dad on Saturday. I figure my calm reasoning was that it was the middle of the day, he cant possible be drunk right??!! He looked fine when he came to get him and returned him home fed and in one piece. I spent the day with mom and found it very relaxing for once.

This could be a very good thing for Kane as long as his dad continues to be civil and not a drunk. Kane needs his dad in his life as much as I'd like him to disappear.

Learning

So I made it through my sons first "off site" visit with his father. Let me tell you that I managed to work myself up to just about vomit status all day waiting for the moment that I watched that truck leave the driveway. I can only put my faith in god to keep him safe when he is not with me. That his father may have an epiphany and put the beer down for once and think of his child first.

I have to get over this. I have to find a way to be OK with it. I would like to think that maybe my ex will change his ways. I would also like to think that i am not that naive. It is part of growing I guess.

Progress

Since last year during the middle of the school season when we were diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers, we have been in therapy. (we being me and Kane) Kane has had two wonderful but very different therapists. One who has had me learning to live with Kane's quirkiness and read endless volumes of books. And one who has said, do this, it will fix this, then we do this, then this.. and has been very on the ball with changing or redirecting bad habits. Believe me we both had bad habits.
We also have been medicated. Kane has been on Concerta for over a year now and aside from the appetite issues the medication does a great job of keeping him at an even level daily.

After a year of this, the end of Kindergarten, a long summer we have come to the First grade. I was afraid of starting school. I met with the therapists. Had long talks preparing Kane. Had meetings with the new kids in his room and we met his teacher. I did what i could, to prepare him as much as possible and to calm my nerves.

School started with him coming down with pneumonia and missing the first full week of school! What a sad boy who was so excited to get on the bus and go to see his new friends and here he was unable to even go. When he did get to go back to school he was elated. And much to my surprise he has not had a single bad day since.
We just had our last app with the therapist and he said that unless we have an issue he does not need to see us back in his office!!! Kane is still a work in progress but every day is a new one and we have been overcoming our challenges as we go.

I need to keep faith.

Frustrated

So the ex came over last week and was in a pissy mood. Started an argument and I had to kick him out. I should have noticed the signs that he had most likely been drinking. I know better. But also quite frankly I'm tired of living on eggshells when he is around. It's my life now, not his.

Anyway he wanted to take Kane to the mall at some point and I said I would drop Kane off at the mall but that he was not going to drive him. I do not trust him to have not been drinking. This prompted him to tell me that he is going to take me to court. I told him to go ahead. Thinking the whole time that ill just turn him in for not paying child support. So frustrating.

I wish he would just go away. I have been in a great mood. Having him in my head is making me cranky!