Christmas countdown

Well here we go. Final count down to Christmas. Yes i'm still the procrasti-santa..I have not even started shopping. I have been waiting on the ex to give me some $$ so I can go do it all in one shot. I will get it done. I always do.

Updates on me.. the bf and I are back together. I waited a bit, held back, and he opened up to me. Explained where his feelings came from and what prompted his actions. And its been awesome since. Yes I worry about him hurting me. But i'm going to not think about that. I am head over feet for him and I cant help it. Ill enjoy being happy.

Work is ridiculous. I cant seem to juggle work, life, and child. I feel i'm failing miserably but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm going to keep plugging away until I find a even ground to stand on.

I really want to enjoy the holiday season and enjoy my family and friends. They are what has gotten me through all of the rough days. Love them all so much.

one step forward... fall down.. crawl..

I feel like I'm in a blender. On the pulse setting. I start to feel ok and someone comes and presses the button again. Swirling, swirling, swirling. The BF and I are in a mess. Still seeing each other and avoiding the elephant in the room. We need to talk. Severe need of conversation.

I'm trying to pull myself together. Try to keep my head up, focus on my son and my work but the second life stops, my mind reverts back to him. There are so many things I like about him. And I feel so silly for falling. But I just enjoy spending time with him. Don't want it to end. Want to know more, learn more about him. ugh.. Ok this post isn't helping me :(

Updates..

Well now.. Been off for a bit. Emotions boiled over into ridiculous meltdown starting with the BF dumping me on my ass. Apparently in a drunken moment I made a comment about marriage. I gave him the fear of all that is crazy and made him flip. This is what he was giving me the cold shoulder for. Instead of talking to me, he let me go. :( Uber :( here.

He was thinking I was rushing into marriage after 4 months of dating when I am content with just being happy and enjoying life with him. We both have had previous bad marriages, kids, and no want to do it again. But he never asked. :(

Insert downward spiral here....4 days of no eating,no work, sleeping for hours broken by fits of sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently I adore this man and I am so frustrated that it all could have been fixed if he had talked to me. I guess we live and learn. I hope he misses me like hell. So felt like a great match. I still feel broken.

I have to get back to life tomorrow. Everyone on the planet has been trying to cheer me up. Friends, family, kids, everyone. I have the best support staff on the planet.

I will get through this. But I will hold on to a small bit of hope that he will miss me and change his mind. I still have that feeling that it is supposed to happen. Miss him.

Overly emotional the last week. Hate being so unsure of myself and my feelings. Cant figure out if I am coming or going. Got a new tat, hung out with the BF and have not been sleeping. A crash is in order soon. I feel it coming. Blah!

Opened my heart up to a boy and got the silent treatment. I guess ill take the pain over not feeling a thing right? Just means im alive and living. Who knows. I like him. Stick it boy! TAKE A BITE OF MY HEART!!

Feel it in the air

Today is Halloween. Not really a big deal. Just another day, but yet its the doorstep into November, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I am very excited for the holidays, but I am also already getting overly emotional that I'm not the "family" I wanted to be. I have my family surrounding me, but I don't have my "own" family. This may not make sense to anyone but me.

I want the loving partner, in a house with our own tree, and cookies baking in the oven. The kids running and yelling, snow ball fights, hot chocolate and nights by the fire. I want the smell of cinnamon and apples and wood and smoke and the warmth of it all to wrap around me.

I know one day I will have this picture perfect story. Or a resemblance of it. But for now I wait. I will continue to put my faith in god that he has an ultimate plan for me and im hoping that im on the right path. The last few months have been very positive. I just have to continue to look forward.

Brighter days..

So things have been quiet lately. Days have been going fast. No one has been sick or injured (aside from the PC). The ex has been civil, and I guess I'm pretty OK with life at the moment.

Kane spent a full day with his dad on Saturday. I figure my calm reasoning was that it was the middle of the day, he cant possible be drunk right??!! He looked fine when he came to get him and returned him home fed and in one piece. I spent the day with mom and found it very relaxing for once.

This could be a very good thing for Kane as long as his dad continues to be civil and not a drunk. Kane needs his dad in his life as much as I'd like him to disappear.